Notes from Idol

1. I dvr-ed it tonight - I am officially emotionally invested. I guess I'm entitled since I've abstained since the first season. I actually haven't seen any Tuesday episodes since I have class but that hasn't stopped Seacrest.

2. How is it possible to love Zoolander from the very bottom of my heart but be completely unable to tolerate Ben Stiller? Someone should look into that.

3. Confidential to Teri Hatcher: You might want to reconsider the hair/makeup/shirt combo. I fast forwarded through your part and thought you were Michael Jackson.

4. Jack Black, I want to like you (see: "That's f--ing teamwork!" and "It's called telekinesis, Kyle!") but you are making it very difficult. Scratch that - now you are singing and it is impossible.

5. Blake's friends don't look that excited that he's safe. I was going to say something mean about that but I'm cutting him some slack since he's "giving back" tonight.

6. I have nothing snarky to say about Carrie Underwood's segment. Rascal Flatts guy, however, it looks like fame affected you the same way my freshman year of college affected me.

7. Staying Alive - Teri Hatcher: we already talked about your styling. You are not helping. Goldie Hawn: wearing your hair in your face will not help convince me that you are the same age as your daughter. LeBron James and Hugh Laurie: I love you two a little bit. Hugh Grant: looking a little mug shot-y. Twiggy: stop trying to pretend you know the words. Please go back to insulting Jael. Marc Antony: Wow! You look kind of not un-dead! LeBron and Hugh: ok, make that a lot. Please dance some more. Helena Bonham Carter: what have you done since Fight Club? Not that it matters since I will always love you for that. Chris Kattan: stop. Please pass the message to Rob Schneider. Guy in hat: who are you? should I care? Kevin Bacon: you made me think of the episode of Will & Grace where Jack stalked you. Like HBC, you have done something so fantastic that you have been given a free pass. Madden twins: Joel, you were cute when you were dating Hilary Duff. Now you are just a smirking tattooed guy who makes mediocre music.

8. Idol, now you are making me cry (and not for keeping Phil safe). Way to make me feel bad about being petty. Seriously, people, give some money so kids don't have their future determined before they're even born. So kids don't have to live in poverty or fend for themselves because their parents have died of AIDS. So kids in our own country don't grow up without learning how to read. There's not a whole lot that I'll write about on this site and be completely serious about, but some things are too horrible to ignore or gloss over. (psa over - back to the snark)

9. Kelly Clarkson, I have a little girl-crush on you. You will never reach Jennifer Garner levels on my girl-crush-meter but you're definitely up there.

10. LaKeisha - I think Idol could afford an undershirt or safety pin for you. I sympathize because I am no stranger to the shirt gap problem, but you are on national tv. Also, if you're safe that means my beloved Timberfake or the incredible Jordin is out. My money is either on Jordin getting "shockingly" eliminated or Idol having a heart and keeping them both in.

11. Annie Lennox has only played a couple chords and she has already completely outperformed Celine and Felvis. Does she still tour? I bet she puts on a hell of a show.

12. I totally called it! Seacrest would never get rid of someone tonight. Yikes - two gone next week - fingers crossed it's LaKeisha and Phil.

Longest post yet - that's kind of sad it's about a show I've talked so much shit about over the years. I will continue on my quest to drive away readers with an even longer post next week about my cats.